We have a “This is Us” super-fan in our household and I rarely partake in viewing the show for no good reason other than I feel it’s often too ‘real’ for me. My preferred genres are often aimed to entertain sans emotions – which I like to save for the important things, like family time and football season.
Recently, her show was on in the background and I caught a glimpse of the scene where a couple was the NICU with their tiny baby and time stopped – damn you superhuman peripherals. I immediately was flooded with emotions and memories of the two times my children were in the NICU, my son for 13 days, and my twins for 3-4 weeks. It was easily the most emotional, stressful, and trying times of my life. Considering I was overjoyed to have new children to look forward to raising, I found it challenging to separate the future from the present while looking through the Plexiglas of an incubator at my child.
Although there’s no magic recipe for Dads to follow while parenting a child in the NICU, there are some things that I learned that I feel could be helpful or at least make NICU-NEWB-Dads aware of what they can expect even if there’s truly no proper way to prepare.
Since you been gone
The NICU staff will act to do what’s best for your babies without a lengthy discussion to make sure you agree. This seems obvious because it is. In practice, however, you will find it can catch you off guard, causing those pesky emotions to rear their ugly crying heads. This happened frequently while both my son and daughters were in the NICU. The most memorable (traumatic) time was with my son who had begun to develop jaundice a few days while in the NICU. Taking a moment to breath myself, I left his side for a walk as he remained under the care of the staff. When I came back he had a huge black light over him as well as a mask over his eyes. I have never felt so chopped down in my entire life as there was nothing to do. To top things off, no one was around immediately as the nurses were tending to their other patients as my son was fine. I still managed to let a pretty good freak-out fly and a nurse promptly came by after hearing me squawk like a wounded red tail hawk which had just looked at the sun. I was informed succinctly and calmly the reasons for the light and how long to expect the treatment.
This was the first true freak-out in the NICU. It was also the first time I understood he was in the best place he could possibly be in given the care and expertise of the nurses by his side 24/7. Also, this happens a lot so try not to get bent out of shape every time.
It will feel a bit like a bait and switch for dads when your child has to overcome such obstacles in the NICU. I was prepared to be the protector, teacher and #1 playmate for my son. With more machines and wires than your IT’s server closet assisting your baby’s growth and adapting to life, it’s extremely frustrating to not have the capacity to act as a traditional dad right out of the gate. It takes time to realize that when you are there for your baby/babies as well as and most importantly their mom – you are making quite the impact.
What the bleep
There’s no getting around it, there’s a lot of beeping in the NICU. Lot’s of bleeping bleeps and beeping alarms. Depending on how many roommates you have, be prepared for a steady stream of monitor flashing, alarms of various lengths, animated charts, heart rate tones, and babies crying. No getting around it, it’s pretty difficult to focus on relaxing and spending time with your significant other and your baby – given all of the alarms going on.
To reiterate, the nurses have it under control. If I had to guess, I’d say well over 100% of the time I overreacted to anything happening with my kids. I can say this confidentiality as anytime a monitor, alarm or alert was relating to my baby, the nurses were always on it. They even had the uncanny ability to verbally address my stressful mutterings and questions while checking on their patient. Trust me, trust them.
Learning Dad
There were a few things that I might not have necessarily done prior to having a baby which would help me out as a dad. Things like changing a diaper, picking up a baby, holding a baby while standing, handing a baby to another person, giving a baby a bath, holding a baby correctly, feeding a baby a bottle, dress a baby in the gymnastics onesie, putting a baby in a car seat, laying a baby in a bed – just to scratch the surface. What’s even more shocking about my lack of dadly abilities pre-kids is that I have a litter of nieces and nephews of various ages where I could have gotten some practice in.
Trying things out for the first time in the NICU fit with the environment and overall feel for the times, It took some time for me to work up the courage to change my son’s diaper in the NICU. Remember, this would be the first, EVER. He was so small and I was already so nervous with all the beeping, alarms and such. To top things off, he was connected to a rainbow array of wires, had circular pads placed gently in strategic areas and clips on either his toes or fingers to monitor his oxygen. I was often asked if I wanted help change his diaper or hold him or feed him very early on. Eventually, when I was more comfortable with my surroundings, nurses, and doctors, I went for it. As nervous and slow as I was, it was really no big deal, mainly because it wasn’t the messy type of diaper. I easily was able to navigate the situation with a patient the helpful nurse standing by should I have a panic attack.
It’s never easy, but it gets better with practice and courage. Truly a microcosmic of being a dad – sometimes you have to just hold your breath (literally and figuratively, you’ll know which for when) and dive in. When I became a NICU-DAD-PRO it was time for my son to come home. 2 years later, I was the dad for twins in the NICU for double the time. Even with all that I had learned, it still was not easy – but I found my rhythm and I was keenly aware that their tiny diapers were nothing compared to my now 2 year old’s abominations.
Home ready
It is inevitable for those who have babies needing to stay longer stay in the NICU – you will not be around or awake to tend to your baby as well as the nursing staff. Not to worry, the essentials are being done systematically. Things like feeding times, diaper changes, vital checks, and coddling are being done routinely and systematically. This is a huge positive for parents and babies alike. The staff is getting your littles on such an amazing schedule which can be easily transferred under your care when going home as a complete family. Once you bring your NICU-grad home, you will be best served to keep them on this routine.
Be the Dad
Being a Dad does not start when you take your baby home. It starts immediately. Don’t let the lights, beeps or inexperience scare you away from the fact that you are on deck. If you want to hold your baby – do it and ask for help if your baby is hooked up to too many wires or you help to get them out of an incubator or bed. If you want to feed your baby – great, know the time they are due to get fed and do it. If you want to change a diaper – get in there and change that mini pamper. Not going to sugar coat it, the diapers get unfathomably worse as they get older.
Enjoy the premie days and the NICU.
Dad Cave 